I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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