Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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