bring money and cleavage
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
