I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
