What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
