my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
