I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
