Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You ate ashes out of my bong
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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