He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I need water and some morals
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
