i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
