Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
