I can text with my tongue
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
