I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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