I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Who died my cat blue again?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
