I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
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