dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
