I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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