I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
