and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
