it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
