shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
