I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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