Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
