Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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