She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
