i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
