Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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