so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love accidental penises.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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