In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
