did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
