Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
