I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
