someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
