It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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