my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
