someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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