When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
