My friends, they love my intelligence
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
