I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
