I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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