Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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