i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
