I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i think my cat just said my name.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
