We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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