I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize