i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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