I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
