I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
