so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
