I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
