I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
