I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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