u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
