I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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