I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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