cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
