Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
