One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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