the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize