I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
