What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
